To say that my parents were appalled by my pregnancy would be an understatement. I was ecstatic that I was pregnant, even though I had no idea as to what the future would hold. My mother liked John, he was kind and polite to her. He would sit and drink coffee with her and carry on conversations. She thought that he was nice until I was pregnant. I remember telling her. I couldn't hold it in anymore because I was so excited. I was bursting with joy! It was Christmas time and all about the birth of Jesus and here I was, waiting for my own little birth. I ended up telling her the day after Christmas. Her reaction was not what I had expected at all. She was infuriated and my father demanded to know whether or not we would be getting married. He was politely demanding that we get married. John couldn't commit to that and then my mother came out of the blue and asked if he was married. John answered yes and that is when the nastiness began. He was thrown out of the house and I was left there to figure out what to do. I was living there at the time while I was finishing my last semester at college.
The next day she stated that he needed to step up to the plate and take care of me. She told me that he could stay there with me at her house. I was confused. Was this the same person that told me that I was horrible? She called me every name in the book. I couldn't believe what she was saying to me as she was my mother. How could she speak so terribly about me? How could she call me a whore and mean it?
She came to me a few days later. She told me that I had a choice to make. I was told that I could stay in her house and continue to live there as long as I terminated my pregnancy. She said if I choose to keep my child, I would have to move out immediately. I was appalled. I knew that she wouldn't be accepting of the situation, but to demand that I kill my child was going a bit too far. She told me "God will forgive you for an abortion, but he will not forgive you for having a child with a married man. You are selfish if you choose to have this child." Wow, selfish? How could that be when I was giving up my dreams of med school to have a child? Is that really what selfish is? See, she is a control freak. And if she cannot control the situation, she will manipulate what she can to gain the control. I was devastated when she gave me this ultimatum but I knew what I had to do. I called my family, my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I told them about the situation. I was extremely disappointed in having to tell my grandparents. They were the light in my life. My grandmother was my role model and my motherly figure, as my own mother could not be. I told them all about the ultimatum that my mother had given me. They were disgusted with her. My grandmother said to me "I don't think that is the solution, but maybe you should think about your other options and adoption. Just think about it." Wow, such wisdom she had. She did not criticize me, shun me, call me terrible names or judge me. She just continued to love me. Her love for me never waived for me and yet my mother had completely disowned me. After all, what would her affluent neighbors think if they saw me.
My friend at the time was also a single mom and told me that I could come and stay with her. She would move her small son into her room and I could live with her for free until I graduated and got a job. What a sacrifice. Once again, God had a plan. My entire extended family came to move me out of the house early one Saturday morning. I didn't even dignify my mother with an answer to her ultimatum. I just packed up and left. We didn't speak for months, literally. There was nothing to say. For whatever reason, God had a plan for my child and no one would take that away. He had a purpose for her and I would make sure she achieved it.
Then one evening several months ago, I called the house to ask my dad about some brakes for my car that I had left behind. When I called, she answered the phone and said immediately, "how did you know to call. Do you know what happened?" I was dumbfounded and quite honestly, didn't even want to speak to her. I was intrigued and didn't know what to say. She replied that my brother who was working in Orlando was sick in the hospital and that she needed to fly down immediately. She was upset and said that my father couldn't go and she didn't want to go by herself. Immediately I told her that I would go with her if she would pay for my ticket. WHAT? What on earth just came from my mouth? It just jumped right out without me thinking. She said she would pay for my ticket and then off we went the next day. Once again, God was in control. We barely spoke on the plane ride, but we were seated right next to a mother with an infant child. My mother was playing with this little child and warming up to him. When we got off the plane, we spoke very little. We were both focused on getting to my brother. Then a funny thing happened a few days later. We were on our way to the Magic Kingdom on the launch that goes from the TTC to the Magic Kingdom. As we stood on the boat looking out at the lake, she said to me "Are you really going to do this?" I told her that there was no turning back that this child would be coming. She broke down and told me that she was scared for me and that she knew that John would not stick around. She said that this child would be raised without a father and that would be extremely selfish of me. I stood my ground firm with her and told her that I loved my child and she can choose to be a part or not.
After our trip, she began to turn around. My father still had a hard time with me. He couldn't really look at me. I tended to stay away, until my mother found out that I was attending all of my doctor appointments alone. She choose to go to the ultrasound with me and that was the turning point. She saw my child on the ultrasound and her whole attitude changed. As for my father, his attitude changed the very last week of my pregnancy. He was actually by coach during labor and delivery. Now, years later, they adore my child. However, I don't know what they were thinking to suggest such an ultimatum.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
The True Judge of a Man's Character
So, you may ask, when I exactly knew that the relationship would not work. There were a lot of lies that I was told. As I said before, I was way too naive and trusting. He spent a lot of time with me. As a wife now, I wonder how his wife tolerated him being gone so often and for long periods of time. See, I thought I was really special when he spent Christmas day with me and my family. They had accepted him and thought that he was a nice man. I was giddy inside to know that I was having a baby and that everyone was so kind to him. I thought that it would all work out. I thought that I actually meant something for him to leave his wife and children home to be with me. Twisted, isnt it? Now as a wife, I think that I would not be so tolerant of a husband running the streets. After all, there is no good that can come of it.
I guess the true turning point came to me when I was 4 months pregnant. My brother had been sick in Florida while he was working at the Disney College program. I had gone down with my mother in January (which is definately another posting). John had stated that he wanted to drive to Disney, with two of his three kids. So, being that he was going to pay for it all and hoping that I could spend more time with him, I decided to take the drive with him. Well, his wife did not know that I was going. At the time, his kids were 11 years old and 5 years old. They had never been to Disney. He had told his children that I was the travel planner that was going with them. WOW. Then he told them that he was not allowed to tell their mother that I was with them. I knew that the older son knew what was going on, afterall, how could he not? he was being told by his father to lie to his mother about the trip that they were taking. And, on another note, what was she thinking to let him not take her? Why would she agree to stay home? At this point, when I heard him tell the children to lie to their mother while on a phone call, I knew that there were some serious moral issues. I guess my mother instincts kicked in and I knew that at that point in time, I did not want this man to be any part in this childs life. After all, you can't change the stripes on a tiger. If he does it once, he will do it again. And this theory would prove to be true when he was arrested for his DUI with his other mistress while in Ohio.
I wil give him credit for financially supporting my child from before she was born until currently. All without a court order demanding that he pay me. Actually, dont think that he was an honorable man. He was afraid that I would tell his wife and ruin his family. He payed me in order to keep my mouth shut. I had this huge secret that he was keeping from his wife. He didnt want me blowing his cover so once a month, a check would arrive or he would drive all the way out to drop off cash to my mail box. I am not complaining, as there were times as a single mom that I just couldnt make my ends meet. I had always used the money on my child. I never indulged in it and used it for anything else but her. When she was little, it went to daycare. Once she was a little older and didnt need daycare anymore, the child support went to pay for activities for her that I could not afford. All in all, the money was extremely helpful, even if his motive for giving it was not honorable.
I guess the true turning point came to me when I was 4 months pregnant. My brother had been sick in Florida while he was working at the Disney College program. I had gone down with my mother in January (which is definately another posting). John had stated that he wanted to drive to Disney, with two of his three kids. So, being that he was going to pay for it all and hoping that I could spend more time with him, I decided to take the drive with him. Well, his wife did not know that I was going. At the time, his kids were 11 years old and 5 years old. They had never been to Disney. He had told his children that I was the travel planner that was going with them. WOW. Then he told them that he was not allowed to tell their mother that I was with them. I knew that the older son knew what was going on, afterall, how could he not? he was being told by his father to lie to his mother about the trip that they were taking. And, on another note, what was she thinking to let him not take her? Why would she agree to stay home? At this point, when I heard him tell the children to lie to their mother while on a phone call, I knew that there were some serious moral issues. I guess my mother instincts kicked in and I knew that at that point in time, I did not want this man to be any part in this childs life. After all, you can't change the stripes on a tiger. If he does it once, he will do it again. And this theory would prove to be true when he was arrested for his DUI with his other mistress while in Ohio.
I wil give him credit for financially supporting my child from before she was born until currently. All without a court order demanding that he pay me. Actually, dont think that he was an honorable man. He was afraid that I would tell his wife and ruin his family. He payed me in order to keep my mouth shut. I had this huge secret that he was keeping from his wife. He didnt want me blowing his cover so once a month, a check would arrive or he would drive all the way out to drop off cash to my mail box. I am not complaining, as there were times as a single mom that I just couldnt make my ends meet. I had always used the money on my child. I never indulged in it and used it for anything else but her. When she was little, it went to daycare. Once she was a little older and didnt need daycare anymore, the child support went to pay for activities for her that I could not afford. All in all, the money was extremely helpful, even if his motive for giving it was not honorable.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Party is Over
Where I last left off, my daughter had been born and John was no where to be found at that point in time. He eventually arrived back to the hospital and held his new daughter for the first time. So many emotions were going thru my mind. There was the undying love for this little creature, yet I felt betrayed, used and abandonded. After all, why was my daughter not good enough for him to be around for? I felt like a second class citizen. Why should I? I was the one who was college educated with a bright future.
God knew what he was doing. I just didnt see it at the time, which makes it ten times harder to try to get thru. It's like having only a few pieces of the jig saw puzzle, and not being able to put the whole picture together. You only have a small idea of what is going on. As time goes on and God works in your life, slowly and only by God's timing do the pieces come together to form the complete picture.
I decided on a name for the baby and refused to put his name on the birth certificate. She would have my last name and if a man came along to change my last name, I would consider changing her last name. He was enfuriated that he was not on the birth certificate and even challenged whether or not she was his daughter. Talk about adding insult to injury. It was like pouring salt onto a patient having open heart surgery. The pain was so immense. He left and went to buy my flowers. It was a nice gesture, it was just void of any significant meaning. At the end of the first night, he headed out to go back to Ohio. That was the last time I allowed him to see her or spend any time with her. I didnt hear much from him, as his consequences for the DUI in Ohio were catching up to him here. He had court dates and had to following protocols with this new legal issue.
My daughter and I headed home alone. Just us. She became my entire world, she is all that I had left. I clung to her like there was no other. Oh, did I mention the significance of here middle name? It is Faith, for I had to have Faith in order to live on a day by day basis and believe that there was a master plan in it all.
God knew what he was doing. I just didnt see it at the time, which makes it ten times harder to try to get thru. It's like having only a few pieces of the jig saw puzzle, and not being able to put the whole picture together. You only have a small idea of what is going on. As time goes on and God works in your life, slowly and only by God's timing do the pieces come together to form the complete picture.
I decided on a name for the baby and refused to put his name on the birth certificate. She would have my last name and if a man came along to change my last name, I would consider changing her last name. He was enfuriated that he was not on the birth certificate and even challenged whether or not she was his daughter. Talk about adding insult to injury. It was like pouring salt onto a patient having open heart surgery. The pain was so immense. He left and went to buy my flowers. It was a nice gesture, it was just void of any significant meaning. At the end of the first night, he headed out to go back to Ohio. That was the last time I allowed him to see her or spend any time with her. I didnt hear much from him, as his consequences for the DUI in Ohio were catching up to him here. He had court dates and had to following protocols with this new legal issue.
My daughter and I headed home alone. Just us. She became my entire world, she is all that I had left. I clung to her like there was no other. Oh, did I mention the significance of here middle name? It is Faith, for I had to have Faith in order to live on a day by day basis and believe that there was a master plan in it all.
History Continued
Well, to make a long story short, the relationship with John went back and forth for a few months. I knew deep down that it was not going to go anywhere, as he had children at home, with the youngest being 2 years old. I didn't want to admit it, but I was in for a ride as a single mom. I couldnt think about it. I was in my last semester of college and I would be graduating. After that, I would find a "real" job and start my profession. I look back now and see how God has his hand in everything, even though I did not know him then. He had a plan for me and my child and it did not include John, just not at that point.
We continued to date back and forth for a while. Then when I was nine months pregnant (about 3 weeks before my daughter was born) I went into false labor. John had been working out of state with his job and was stationed there for a few months. At 2am I called him at his hotel room. No answer. I called every 15 minutes or so, desperate to get a hold of him. Finally at about 4am, his cousin answered the phone and told me he was with another woman. I was devestated. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. John denied it, but really where else could it be? It was not like he had any family or friends in Ohio. I had taken the 5 hour drive before to visit him and there were no friends there. I couldn't believe this was happening. I believed him when he told me that I was the only woman he had an affair with, the special woman. Now, here he is, with a wife back home with three children and a mistress who is expecting a baby any day now.
Remember how I said that God was involved? Well, while he was out with this woman, he was pulled over for a DUI. Funny huh? He had no way to talk himself out of the fact that he was with this woman in Ohio when he got the DUI. I guess there is truth to the verse about vengence. God surely does it better than my hands could have done.
Well, two weeks later, it was time for the baby to come. My water broke and I went to the hospital. I was terrifed to say the least. There was no turning back at this point. I had to believe that it would all work out. I called John on his cell phone. He was home here for the weekend. Apparently he was busy with his family at home swimming and could not be bothered by my call. Finally at 5pm (which was a good 8 hours later) he decided to return my call. He made it to the hospital by 7pm at which time I was in full blown natural labor. He was allowed into the delivery room, only for a brief time. I was in so much pain both emotionally and physically that I could not even look at him. How could I have been so blind? So naive? So completely unaware of his true character? He went to touch my hand in the delivery room and I demanded that he leave immediately. He hesitated only briefly until my father threatened to forcefully removed him from the room. So there I was, with my father at my head coaxing me and my mother at my feet. She was born fairly quickly. John was no where to be found as I sent my parents to go find him. He had left to go eat and completely missed her birth. I have no regrets for this, as I stated, God was in control of the situation.
We continued to date back and forth for a while. Then when I was nine months pregnant (about 3 weeks before my daughter was born) I went into false labor. John had been working out of state with his job and was stationed there for a few months. At 2am I called him at his hotel room. No answer. I called every 15 minutes or so, desperate to get a hold of him. Finally at about 4am, his cousin answered the phone and told me he was with another woman. I was devestated. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. John denied it, but really where else could it be? It was not like he had any family or friends in Ohio. I had taken the 5 hour drive before to visit him and there were no friends there. I couldn't believe this was happening. I believed him when he told me that I was the only woman he had an affair with, the special woman. Now, here he is, with a wife back home with three children and a mistress who is expecting a baby any day now.
Remember how I said that God was involved? Well, while he was out with this woman, he was pulled over for a DUI. Funny huh? He had no way to talk himself out of the fact that he was with this woman in Ohio when he got the DUI. I guess there is truth to the verse about vengence. God surely does it better than my hands could have done.
Well, two weeks later, it was time for the baby to come. My water broke and I went to the hospital. I was terrifed to say the least. There was no turning back at this point. I had to believe that it would all work out. I called John on his cell phone. He was home here for the weekend. Apparently he was busy with his family at home swimming and could not be bothered by my call. Finally at 5pm (which was a good 8 hours later) he decided to return my call. He made it to the hospital by 7pm at which time I was in full blown natural labor. He was allowed into the delivery room, only for a brief time. I was in so much pain both emotionally and physically that I could not even look at him. How could I have been so blind? So naive? So completely unaware of his true character? He went to touch my hand in the delivery room and I demanded that he leave immediately. He hesitated only briefly until my father threatened to forcefully removed him from the room. So there I was, with my father at my head coaxing me and my mother at my feet. She was born fairly quickly. John was no where to be found as I sent my parents to go find him. He had left to go eat and completely missed her birth. I have no regrets for this, as I stated, God was in control of the situation.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The history
Well, let me explain my situation. I was once a wide eyes college girl with big dreams and hopes. I had been in failing relationship after failing relationship and decided that it was time that I found a more established, mature man to have my next relationship with. After all, he should have it all together, right? So I fell in love with John. It was very easy to do. He was 10 years older than me and very into me. After all, I was young and in college. Definitely a status symbol for a man in his early thirties. I was naive. I can see it now, but definitely didn't see it then. Like the fact that I never had a home phone number. At that time 11 years ago, it was pagers. Everyone had one and I only had his pager number. It should have been a red flag but as I said, I was naive. I did ask about it once, but was told that he was living with his sister and didn't want to disturb her on her house phone. Can you see where this is going?
I never met him at his sister's house, he always met me out somewhere else. We never went out in the area he lived in, we just went out in the area that I lived in. Can you see now where this is going? I was madly in love with him. He was mature and established. He took me to nice places and spent every weekend with me, from Friday night thru Sunday. Needless to say, we found out on the day before Christmas Eve that we had conceived a child. He was in shock and not quite sure what to do. I was elated. I wasn't necessarily ready for a child, but surely glad at the arrival. I was in my last semester of college and would be graduating in May. Things would be good, wouldn't they? Then out came the secret.
John was married. No, not just married, but married with 3 children. I was mortified. He reassured me that he was in the process of leaving his wife and that he really was living with his sister. Not quite sure what to believe, I was devastated. After all, I was about to have his child. Surely this would make me important to him. Surely this child was my insurance policy. He would have to stay with me, wouldn't he???
I never met him at his sister's house, he always met me out somewhere else. We never went out in the area he lived in, we just went out in the area that I lived in. Can you see now where this is going? I was madly in love with him. He was mature and established. He took me to nice places and spent every weekend with me, from Friday night thru Sunday. Needless to say, we found out on the day before Christmas Eve that we had conceived a child. He was in shock and not quite sure what to do. I was elated. I wasn't necessarily ready for a child, but surely glad at the arrival. I was in my last semester of college and would be graduating in May. Things would be good, wouldn't they? Then out came the secret.
John was married. No, not just married, but married with 3 children. I was mortified. He reassured me that he was in the process of leaving his wife and that he really was living with his sister. Not quite sure what to believe, I was devastated. After all, I was about to have his child. Surely this would make me important to him. Surely this child was my insurance policy. He would have to stay with me, wouldn't he???
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